You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
you didnt know i had herpes?
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
