Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Randomize
