THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
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