We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
