This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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