It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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