Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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