When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
