my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
