HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
