cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
