need another drink. this is the easiest way
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
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