Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
