I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Randomize
