Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Randomize
