May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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