Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
my shit smells like andre
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
