He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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