This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
