You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
