im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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