i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
