omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
