I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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