i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
