I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Randomize
