About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize