I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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