For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
