i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
