Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
