my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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