...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
