M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
