i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Randomize
