a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
