i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Randomize
