Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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