Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Randomize
