Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
