margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
