I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Randomize
