It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
