Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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