You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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