Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Randomize
