a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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