awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
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