my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
