i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Randomize