20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
