I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
