have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Randomize