I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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