I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
