I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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