We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
