she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
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