He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
